My Dream Come True!

I can't believe it, I'm finally a mommy!! Little miss Anabelle has made my dream come true:) I cannot believe she is already 12 days old! Almost two weeks?! Where has the time gone? I have been trying to get to this blog post every day since we have been home, but life has gotten so busy it has taken me this long! But let's start at the beginning... (Prepare yourself, lots of details ahead!:) )

After a Dr. visit on the 23rd where I received no encouragement that she was planning to come on time, I was trying to prepare myself to wait another week and most likely be induced. But this girl had other plans! Saturday felt just like all the other days for me. I was looking for ways to speed things along, so we decided to walk to the promenade by our house and look at strollers again. We found an amazing deal and happily strolled out of there with a new stroller, grabbed a Jamba Juice and headed home. Still no changes, but my body was feeling pretty tired after that as it usually did after a good walk, so we passed up going to the pier to walk around all night looking at an art display. Good thing too! ha We went to the grocery store for a couple of things that night and I remember saying in the car, I just can't imagine what labor is going to be like for me, I think I should feel more nervous? I was right!! We got ready for bed that night with no idea what was about to hit. As soon as I said our prayer and we laid our heads on the pillows, I jumped back up out of bed because I had a really bad pain in my tummy! Kyle thought I was kidding and laughed at me, but I told him it wasn't funny and it hurt! We were both wondering what would happen from there, but it didn't take long. It was 1 AM on her due date and she apparently knew it was time to come! From then on there was pretty much constant pain and I was having a really hard time even distinguishing if contractions were starting or stopping so we were having a hard time timing anything. Not wanting to leave too early, I had Kyle call the ER to tell them the pain was REALLY bad and see what they said. They told him, "4 min apart for two hours before heading to the hospital." I flipped out because I couldn't imagine staying home like this for two whole hours, but Kyle was convinced that we needed to stay home for that long and told me I should just take a shower. I was already running around the apartment trying to figure out what to do with myself to handle the pain. Being clueless I jumped in the shower thinking I would just use the time to get all ready. YEAH RIGHT! Contractions were already right on top of each other and I could barely get myself to finish my shower and get my hair washed out. I realized the two hours meant nothing if the 4 minutes apart was never even a part of my labor. ha First timer + panic = not thinking straight. I told Kyle to get things ready to leave ASAP as I yanked a comb through my hair and tried to function well enough to get dressed. I was down to the car before Kyle could even gather everything up, and not caring about the time, I was shouting for him to hurry! By now it was 2:30 in the morning (a serious blessing I now know!!!) and so thankfully we had no traffic and made it there in like 7 min. I was begging him to run every red light, but he resisted:) We parked the car at the doors of the ER and I marched in and told them I NEEDED A ROOM! Thankfully the girl at the desk could see I was serious and came right over for my name and got a man to wheel me to labor and delivery. I felt a little like the crazy ladies on TV begging for drugs, but I could tell that things were going way too fast and was scared to death that I would be too late for an epidural! It was all I could think about with the pain being non-stop and feeling as though I couldn't stand to endure even one more contraction. I felt the pressure and was afraid she was already on her way without me having anything to do with it! It felt like an eternity, but they finally asked all their questions, the Dr. came in and told me I was at 7cm (wow!), and the anesthesiologist showed up. To my dismay, this was the first of many residents to take part in my labor and she took what felt like an eternity to get the thing in! I just kept asking (practically begging), "how much longer? how much longer?" the nurse just told me it was normal to take that long and it was almost done. So not true, but what can you do? All I know is, if anyone ever asks me if they should get one, I will say YES!!!! I was able to calm down, talk to Kyle and even try to relax while we waited to hear it was time to push. Finally, the time came (of course we were too anxious and excited to actually get rest) and the Dr. simply said, “Ok you are ready, do you want to push?” So I nervously said YES! It took a few tries to figure out how to even push because (honestly, I felt stupid) I couldn’t feel anything! I didn’t realize it would be like that. But, it wasn’t long until they told me she was almost there and I could even feel her head!

Unfortunately, this is where things went downhill. The plan was to have her placed on my chest and stay for the next hour. Instead, just as soon as we all took in how big she actually was, she was put on my chest and I anticipated that first cry. All I knew was that I needed to hear her cry, but it didn’t come. I was immediately saying over and over that she wasn’t crying! They fumbled around with the suction and tried to clear her airway but I wasn’t hearing anything and started to panic. Watching this happen inches from your face has got to be the worst thing you could experience the moment after your baby has finally arrived. They took her from me and over to the little table out of my line of sight. Thankfully I finally heard her cry and was so relieved!! But I wanted her back and she wasn’t coming. Instead I heard that her oxygen was low, then that she had a fever, and then that her white blood cell count was off and she was going to be taken to the NICU instead of staying with me. I was CRUSHED! Not to mention all the while this was going on, there were like 5 young obnoxious nurses all standing around my brand new baby who I had barely seen saying loudly how cute she was, and chatting, and seriously making me frustrated that I couldn’t see her myself!! No fair!! This was really hard for me being stuck there helpless. On top of all this, the nurses were failing to get me pitosin for my uterus to contract as the Dr. was impatiently telling the resident that I was losing a lot of blood. Kyle kept reassuring me that the baby was going to be ok and that she was doing just fine, but I just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t be with me if she was ok. Thankfully, I was able to hold her for just a couple of minutes before she had to leave.

Even though I was, and still am grateful for those minutes, letting her go once again so soon was extremely hard for me! I felt like I had waited so long for this moment and the only thing I never wanted to happen was becoming reality. Kyle left with her and I was alone. My emotions were all over the place and I couldn’t console myself. First, I wanted my baby, second I wanted the never-ending stitches (with the Dr. verbally guiding the resident with every stitch=me wanting to strangle someone and even more discouraged) to stop, and last I wanted my mommy to come hold my hand and tell me things were going to be ok. I had none. I don’t think I have ever felt so alone in my life. About an hour later, the stitches ended and Kyle was able to be with me for a few minutes between trying to be with both of us and give me all the updates on poor Anabelle. My nurse told me that after two hours I could leave the recovery room and see Anabelle…. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough!

Things finally started to look up. We went right to the NICU and I got to hold her again! It felt so strange having to get permission to hold my baby. At times like these, it is so hard to trust that they are trying to do what is best for you and baby and I was even feeling resentment towards them. I hated that I seemed to be the last of the decision makers. Just after the nurse walked up and said Anabelle would have to stay there for 48 hours and they didn’t know if I was going to be able to breast feed or not… her Dr. walked up, checked her out, and then said very casually that she would be able to come to our room and get her medicine there in just a short time. I was SHOCKED and SO happy!!! I was in disbelief that things had suddenly gotten so much better!

I wish I could say that the drama ended here, but it didn’t. I can’t say it was all bad though it really wasn’t! I think that was the hardest thing for me to understand. Everything seemed to be ok. She was in our room with us and seemed to be doing just great but at the same time we were waiting the 48 hours for test results and she was getting antibiotics through shots and blood tests in between. I loved having my mom and dad with us!!

They were a huge support and comfort to me and kept my mind at ease. I felt so lucky to have my husband, my dad, and my brother in law all there and ready to give our little baby a blessing! I also knew that my mom had sent out the call for our family to pray for her and I knew that nothing could help her more. However, this couldn’t keep my heart from breaking every time she had to experience yet another painful shot, test, or check-up. You could just tell that she was traumatized and therefore, so was I. I just kept saying her cry was like a trigger to my own tears and since I couldn’t do anything to stop the pain for her, I cried with her instead, which of course got grandma crying with both of us. Two days, a lumbar puncture, and many blood cultures later, she was given the all clear and we got the BEST new yet!! She didn’t have menegitis, or sepsis, and she wasn’t going to be staying another ten days, she was coming HOME!!! What a blessing. I couldn’t help but feel that once we left the hospital all the bad and scary news would be behind us and we would all be ok. Funny how we work that way, even knowing that that was probably the safest place for all of us.

We made it home safe and sound and have been enjoying our little miracle every minute since then! Family truly is the greatest blessing in our lives and I am so grateful for mine!! I love being a mommy and Anabelle has made me happier than anything else in my whole life! The tears didn’t end after we got home. I cried every day with gratitude for her once we were home and I still do whenever I think of how blessed I am!